Saturday, October 20, 2001 ::: yesterday wasn't totally sucks let's see... I sold two tickets at abbey for asianassociation's night in the orient. donna and alice came to visit me and keep me company for a bit. then I went back to school, then back to abbey to go to science centre with iola, alice and donna. vicky saw us outside. showed us around. met a bunch of those people. over the course of the whole visit, vicky said pretty much nothing to me, cept if I wanted to leave I should leave. then I decided not to go home for dinner so me alice and iola were gonna grab food, after going to donna's house and trying to get her to come... throughout the trip my car has nice music! it truly is the 'K' car! haha. took forever to decide on where to eat, congee wong or chui chow kwoon. so in the end I had to pick. then we waited long time... and then I ordered whole plate of chow mein which I had to finish all myself, cuz they made me... grrr... so full! ack! and putting 'cho' in chow mein is not good... yea so then...brought back chicken wings for donna and took everyone home. and we determined that alice lives
that ---> <------ far on a map from me. and iola is out of cookie delivery range =P
well that didn't take long did it? mood = over. wow... this is sucks, nothing's solved, I'm an idiot. so I fucked up. considering that nothing has been easy for the last couple of months, I'd say I'm doing pretty good. I mean, alright, I admit, I wasn't as... compassionate... as I could have been, but its not like I'm not going through the same damn thing myself. the only thing that's different is that I'm trying to get through it one my own. not so much on my own, just not depending on the other person to... well... I guess share my 'pain' ... that doesn't really work anyway... but it'll have to do. perhaps not everyone can just take the whole thing on, but I am, what do you gain by having another feel guilty or like crap? it does nothing. I meant, its not fair to dump that kind of thing on someone else, but if you are, you can't resent them for how they feel. and if you don't even give the chance fully talk about the whole thing, how can you be angry? you really can't. it's just not fair. and it's not like I'm not fucking trying here. but one has to understand that I'm strung out on my own problems. and maybe you just think too much of me. and its not like you don't have others, I'm tossed aside, which brings me to think about why we were friends in the first place. things get a little rough and BAM! you're gone. yes this is fucking harsh, and no, you'll never read this. because you read something before you didn't like and decided you wouldn't read this. for fuck's sake, no one who reads this will fully comprehend it. I can only think of two people who would partially understand. this reminds me of a situation a couple months ago. the memory popped into my head a couple days ago and sent shivers down my spine. someone was really angry at me... in reality for nothing. but she decided that she wouldn't talk to me about it. and completely cut me out. total misunderstanding. fuck, the last couple of weeks I've had to reconstruct my entire life. rethink my priorities. rethink my closest friends. that hasn't been easy. and I'm fucking sorrie if my mood hasn't been exactly perfect, and I haven't been as perfectly tactful as I could have been. but I'm not fucking perfect and there is shit that takes a lot out of me. I can't be expected to handle all this and be completely peachy. so what? I've been a bitch to have around? you don't want me there, then fuck me! don't make me waste my time. I have a lot of shit to deal with and I'm not going to put in effort into something I can't change.
Thursday, October 18, 2001 ::: I'm in such a mood! well not really good, just insanely giddy. had a discussion with donna about how I want a new scarf! like soopa style, brand (yea I know that's shallow) and ultra softness! but I would need a more 'see mun' jacket to go with. so that would mean like soopa jacket from mexx which I saw for like... $400! eeps. anyhoo I ate honeydew. yummy. I think I ought to start running, as I have a treadmill now. wow. I'm going to be in great shape. so long as I actually exercise. I'm in a dancing kinda mood too. see it's all about the right music to make you feel good.
