writing in blog i guess used to make me feel better, i guess i'll try again? so what's been going on lately? well some of you know some dont i'm not going to write it all up here, its going to take too long and i dont really want to haha. just to warn you all this blog might jump back and forth so dont bother reading and expecting something that makes sense.
so i know 2 chords now, G and D, pretty soon i'll know a lot more hopefully. oh, i bought a guitar, its pretty cool. i guess its an early bday present for me from me? haha. i think i've always been too serious about things. so i'm going to try to be less serious about things from now on, i mean i'm only almost 20, i'm still so young. i always worry excessively over things. i also notice i'm easily disappointed. i think maybe i put too much pressure on those around me. but i only really do that to the ones i care about the most i guess, that's probably why when things go bad, they go REALLY bad. oh well.
i got new glasses too. dolce and gabana, aaron says they are a little flashy but, whatever i think they are very nice. thanks to the insurance covering 275 i have some bling bling glasses. still getting used to the prescription, but that's alright. i wonder about the things i do sometimes, a lot of stupid things could be averted if it wasn't for pride. i guess i'm a very proud person, well i think sometimes i'm humble in one way, but always to myself proud. not about accomplishments or whatnot, more about "sing gak" i guess? its confusing when i think about it. how i can so adamantly reject praise but still think so highly of myself? that gets me into trouble sometimes, should probably not do that.
lately i've made a new friend. and possibly dropped one haha. i've only got to know her really in the past 2-3 months? but she knows a hell of a lot about me. things i couldn't tell ppl before. things i thought i would just put behind me, but i guess i always knew these are the things that shaped me, so they are important. i know a lot about her too, she asks if i know all her bad personalities by know, i know some haha. i think i have committment issues. before i thought i didn't, and was good to commit, but now i realize its not that simple. i dont think its necessarily that good to be that committed. i think if i got into a relationship i was serious about 3 months ago, i would be in the kind where it was just the two of us, and i would probably have shut out a lot of ppl. which isn't that great because these are the ppl i also care about, and this is the kind of stuff i complain about sometimes. that being said, i do know some very committed ppl who don't have this problem at all =) what i guess scares me is that this person is so close and in such a short amount of time. definitely a record for me. but because its so quick you dont really know if this is going to last, i've known stuff to fall apart that held together to much longer time. but those usually have some sort of bad personalities that just pop up, i hope things are different when you know most of them in the open.
so i guess i've come to a new point in my life. realizing that i am just almost 20, not 25 or 26. i've always thought of myself as a "mature" person i guess? but what for? i mean why am i trying so hard? i think i missed out a lot in high school because i took it too seriously. i just grew up too fast and missed most of the stuff along the way. not too say i'm ALL that grown up. but you know. i was always planning for the future instead of enjoying the moment. but i am glad on how i turned out. however i think i would have rather liked to relive this past term. haha it all could have gone worse i suppose?
so what does this all mean for me right now? dunno really. but i have changed, not too sure if its for the good or for the bad. either way i'll prolly look back at this in a year and say how stupid i am cos this is reidiculous. but that's how it always is. so i guess now...i'm just going to live things day to day i guess. enjoy things more. not be so serious. and learn things as they come instead of trying to cram everything at once. i mean even if i act like i'm 25 i'm only really 20 no matter what it seems like. and i'm not even really 20 yet. so hopefully this means life will be more fun for me? probably going to play around more and focus on myself. ahah does that sounds selfish? well too bad i think i deserve it. of course i'm going to make some mistakes, and that's not going to be a big deal for me anymore. it astounds me that i'm not even 20 yet.
oh well this was a nice long blog that might not have made a lot of sense. don't ask me too much about this over IM or whatever, if you want to you can ask in person i suppose. i know it probably is confusing and doesn't really follow anything but eh. of course all these changes are not totally in effect. its always a slow process, and i'll likely need some help but eh, i have a friggin lot of time on my hands
